Interesting discovery

 Nothing

Chasing love.

Sometimes I really wonder is it ever worth to be chasing someone you love. Over the years I have chased many times and fail as many as I tried. I thought of being simple and just love someone who love me but I realize I'm not capable of doing that. I may be able to treat that person nicely and care for her
but ultimately I cant love her.

When I look around me I see many people who are looking for girl friends for various reason however the reason varies so much from mine. I don't know if I'm looking for the wrong thing or did I simplify it too much. I just simply want to find someone who will treat me with the care and concern I give them, to be a person for me to share my problems with and to help them with their problems. Lastly its someone who I feel I can spend the rest of my life with. Am I asking for too much ? What should I ask for ?

Scorpio strength and weakness

Scorpio Strength Keywords:

- Loyal
- Passionate
- Resourceful
- Observant
- Dynamic

Scorpio Weakness Keywords:

- Jealous
- Obsessive
- Suspicious
- Manipulative
- Unyielding

This is something a good friend of mine shared with me. I'm Scorpio just in case you didn't know.

Loyal
I would agree with this 100%. I would never betray trust and friendship. As long as I trust and take you as a friend I'll be loyal to you till the end.

Passionate
Hmm.. about this I don't really know it.

Resourceful
Dependant on situation

Dynamic
I doubt I fit into this category. Maybe I don't see it myself or maybe I'm not.

Jealous
I would agree with this as well. I tend to get jealous easily but I get over it quickly I wouldn't be forever jealous.

Obsessive
Questionable. Not in a position to answer it myself

Suspicious
Only if things are suspicious but I think most of the time my suspicion is not unfounded :)

Manipulative
I don't think I am but maybe I should review my actions more.

Unyielding
Is this even a weakness ? Shouldn't it means refuse to give up. Anyway I think I will analyse the situation and take appropriate actions.

A friend of mine told me She found me very analytical I wonder is that even a good thing ? To analyse and take appropriate steps sounds very cautious in my opinion. But I guess because of what I experienced I'm cautious about people around me. 

A holiday with colleague

This is the first time I'm going on holiday with colleague. Omg so excited <3 Who wouldn't be haha.
Anyway we went up to Genting. 6 people in total. I was actually quite shocked that a random question on a genting trip really turned to reality. Even one of my colleague were sceptical on whether it would be happening.

I would say I really enjoyed the trip a lot. Even now sometime later the memories stay fresh in my mind. However I'm kinda in a depressing mood today to talk about it.

What do you do when people you trust doubt you. I'll feel hurt simply because I take them as friends only for them to distrust me. I think I trust people too easily. However I STILL believe in the goodness in people it may sound like a joke but that's what I honestly feel. I rather be betrayed than to betray this has all along been my policy. Thus I ended up betrayed so many times but I shall take each one as a lesson. However with each betrayal I feel my trust in people decrease a little each time. I hope to find someone who is able to prove that I can place my trust in and will never be betrayed.

Start of my PT job

Many things happened recently good , bad , happy and sad. I guess no one ever said life was easy and smooth flowing. When there is good there's always bad. When there's happiness there's sadness.

4 months ago...

A job was introduced to me by a certain friend from MDIS. I was very grateful for her for introducing to me such a company which fit into my dream job so well.

Dream job (Before I get my degree)
-Near my house (I don't like travelling too far)
-Work with friends (I guess its quite normal)
-Flexible hours (I like to sleep and wake up late)

I always wanted to work in a company near my house, flexible working hours and with a friend. WOW !! All my wish were granted to me. AMAZING right ?

 Some background on the company / job scope
-Telemarketing
-Basic + Comm ($7/h with potentially 90c per sign up)
-Afternoon shift 1-10pm (Isn't the working hours wonderful ? I get to stay up late and wake up late)
-Taxi fare home claimable (I rarely made used of this since I stay so near)

With all this being said it should be a dream right. I guess so while it lasted anyway

I got to know 5 other people excluding the friend whom intro me to this company. All of them were great people luckily for me. Its been a long time since I last worked and so having so many friends around me helped me a lot.

It always seem that in life, friends come and go. I really wished for friends who are here to stay. How to have such friends it's still a mystery for me.

Wow wtf is happening.

It seems when your down the hits just keep coming. 1st I lost 3(or at least thats an estimate) of my friends I really wonder why, Followed by I realize Ive been somewhat toyed with in my feelings and finally I happen to witness an event which I REALLY wish I didnt have to see/know about it to make it worst there are others who witness it as well.
True goes to the saying that when it rains it pours. Perhaps that is just my fate as some poor judgement/choice from myself may have affected to those around me. Somehow even before things happen I somehow already knew it was coming but somehow I couldnt stop it from happening as I dont know the root of the problem. I truely treat everyone so sincerely and from the bottom of my heart I know that is true.
But as a saying I once told my friend some people are meant to stay while some just come by. But no matter what I wish it could be resolve but I dont even know what is happening.
Somehow somewhere deep inside me i thought i lost all type of emotions I try to reason things out as much as I can with logic. Apparently im still left with feelings. Feelings of Sadness and Despair. It maybe my fate to suffer in this life. However I'll appreciate the remainer of my friends and I'll hope for a better tomorrow.

Its so hard to forget someone whom you are thinking about everyday, every moment that deep down Im hurting like crazy but Im powerless to do anything.

"I rather let myself down, Give up on everything than to betray those i hold dear to myself"
Somehow some people around me can feel the aura around me but i'll try my best to keep it in control. Seriously everyone have more than enough problems than to come and bother about my problems.

Looking at the bright side. I still have tomorrow to live for. I will try my best to appear happy and I will still be around when my friends need me.

Friendship.

An incident just happened recently which made me think and ponder about some stuff.

I'll start first by defining friendship as is a form of interpersonally relationship generally considered to be closer than association. Sounds complicated right ? No it isnt. It just means that people who you can TRUST. That is what it is to me. For trust to happen there must be honesty or at least transparency in the action. I don't backstab people and I dont have any friends who will backstab me. A simple saying which i said recently. Just because I talked to you, Just because I play game with you doesnt mean you are my friend. I only trust people who trust me first. If people treat me good i'll treat them better BUT if they don't treat me good i'll just be normal. Why harm people if you don't like people to harm you in first place ?

The bonds of friendship can easily be broken by miscommunication , ill-intent, unintentional actions and  misinterpretation. Deceit , Denial and Doubts are something i feel that if not present within friendship the friendship will last for a very long time. Also Trust and Honesty is what I build my friendship on. To me friends are precious i will try to solve whatever i can as long as it is within my ability. Sometimes I feel I am overly concern about my friends but I dont see any problems with that as i stick with my friends through thick and thin. I dont wish to see my friends sad as I would feel the same way. But what about the lies which is said to protect a friend how will one judge that action ? Sacrifices must be made, feelings should be expressed and emotions should be made known to avoid misunderstanding ?

However sometimes after conflicts erupts, chaos and confusion spread and emotions rage. When all is said and done. If the bonds of friendship are strong after the incident the bonds will become stronger BECAUSE we overcome the obstacle in front of us. After that try to appreciate the friendship more and understand each other better so there would not be a repeat of the same incident ever again.

Destiny

We often hear people talking about destiny and fate but what is destiny and what is fate. I have been thinking about it quite a bit recently especially after my Genting trip ( Btw for the first time I got my fortune read with little persuasion from my friends. My friends took the test as well. )

Luckily what the fortune teller said was relatively positive. Luckily for us all our reading were relatively ok. There was no one with negative one. Anyway I believe he will offer counter measures if he really saw some negative.  However I was thinking how reliable are this sort of things to be able to tell the future base on your Birth date / Facial feature and palm. I’m a strong believer that we control our own destiny and we can create our own fate so for me to see was kind of shocking even to my parents.

 If one doesn’t put in any effort in fulfilling his destiny no matter how positive it is I believe there is no way for it to be met. Power and money don’t drop from the sky. Friends and enemy don’t come if you have no contact with anyone. Therefore one must at least do something in order to trigger it. There can be no fate if one doesn’t do anything at all as well.

Anyway I after hearing I felt certain things he said was eerily true for me and my friends. Therefore there’s no harm in taking his advice after all its better to be safe than sorry.

End

Everything in life comes with an ending. Whether it may be hard or easy, painful or relieve, angry or happy, sooner or later. However I feel that one should not look at the ending but the process in which you reach time point. Think about the happy, exciting and emotional times you had experiencing it. Not to forget remember the sad as well. Even though it’s not nice to remember it but it’s a part of the experience which you experience never let any memories go. It’s the negative in life which makes you enjoy the positive much more.

Always remember and treasure all the people along the way, all the experience one had, and all the obstacle one overcomed and always remember the with an ending there will be a new beginning. Hopefully better than before.

Impossible ?

Ever been told by someone that something is impossible? Well yea, for me at least. Countless times in fact but is impossible being used to often? Impossible means that something cannot be done, not capable of being true and can never happen.

Let me create some instances,

Situation A – Person A didn’t study for the test and his friend told him it was impossible for him to pass. However, not studying for a test doesn’t mean that one cannot pass. His friend should have told him that it was improbable for him to pass since he didn’t study for it.

Situation B – Person B wants to turn back time because he didn’t do something which he wanted to do. That’s impossible as there is no way to turn back time.

Situation C – Person C likes a girl whom he shouldn’t like for whatever. His friends all tell him to give up and that’s impossible for them to be together however in this case the word which should have been used should be improbable.

Anyway the word impossible is being used too easily. There is a lot more than meets the eye. Impossible is a strong word with good effect. When used on a weak-willed person they will naturally accept it as fact and move on. Especially when impossible is used in a group/click against a person it creates cognitive dissonance within the person because the ideas of the others in some way or another create an alternate idea inside the persons head which make him have two clashing ideas.

Factual things which are impossible are and will remain impossible. However when it comes to affairs of the heart I strongly believe that there is no such thing as impossible, at most only improbable because people are alive and emotions can be developed/changed with every passing moment.

Trust

Trust is a very interesting word. A lot of people like to use phrases like trust me but how often can the one saying it really hold true to the meaning of that word? When you trust someone it means that you rely on that person, place your faith in him and believe he can deliver.

The feeling one get when being trusted by others is good. There’s no one in this world which like to be doubt by others. However like all things its always easy to take than to give.

 Sometimes the word trust is used as an assurance or worst still a figure of speech. There is no real commitment in the words. So how does know when to trust someone and when not to? In my opinion it’s better that one doesn’t give out his trust too easily, a lot of people in this world are hiding behind mask, a lot of people are willing to say anything to get what they want and more often than not trusting others usually means hurting yourself.

Sometimes you tell someone something and you expect that you can trust them not to spread it to other but you find out at the end of the day that person is not trustworthy. It happens a lot and I can speak from experience. Of course sometimes the things the tell others they expect that person to be trustable and it continues to spread just because people trust others too easily especially when it doesn't involve themselves and they have nothing to lose. Its nice to have a listening ear whom is trustworthy its quite hard to find and if you have one. Treasure it.

It’s better to be cautious first and trust later. As the saying goes "there can be a knife behind every smile". Sometimes when you really believe in one person only to find out that whatever you know is purely it lie it breaks your sense of trust and you suddenly feel that no one is worth trusting.

Just some random images.

Actions

What really defines one action? Is it the intentions, effort or the results?  To start one must definitely have some kind of intentions to begin with or that’s not the case?

In life, things don’t always go your way and you make variation to your plan. Eventually, you get drifted off course and you let the flowing water carry you along with the flow. What does this prove at the end? Does it mean that the end result whatever it may be is nullified because there weren’t any intentions in the first place?

What if you put in so much effort in trying to achieve something? At the end of the day, you failed and it’s a one off thing which you can’t keep trying again to let it go right. Does it mean the effort is wasted?

To some people the results are the most important because to them the result is what people can see. Intentions are inside of you, as long as you don’t expose yourself by telling others the intention. Other than you who else can certainly confirm that that’s not your original intentions. Effort is what people can see and judge for themselves however not all the time effort can be seen as well.

I’m beginning to think. What if one doesn’t have any intentions/motive, just does whatever he wants, doesn’t care about anything and whatever that outcome may come out to, fills in that to the intention. It’s like working backwards what if using results one can justify the reason behind it. Of cause this is just a hypothesis but it seems quite an interesting concept.

Christmas !!

Its finally Christmas!! It’s time to celebrate and have fun. It also means the year is ending! Finally a new year is approaching together with a new beginning. Just some random thinking.

An enchanted spell

Beautiful yet dangerous

Comes and goes as the season change

Pure and white flowers falling from the sky

Nice feeling lingers however caution is upon me

A feeling of chill

Purity turns as it settles down

Without regrets

A friend of mine told me this recently that I should live my life without regrets but why does one mean by living life without regrets? Does it mean that I should let it all go, throw cautions and hesitation to the wind? I must say in my life there are many things I regret because either I was too careful or took too long to think or perhaps purely afraid of taking the risk. What should I do ? Should I change ? Does changing makes me a better person ? In due time I'll see. However it's hard changing ones thinking and behavior after all been doing it for so long. 

Enough ?

Ever felt that for some people there’s no such thing as enough or too much ? They just keep asking for more and more. They don’t know when to stop. They don't understand that they are irritating people around them by being this way. Of course there are people who don't mind being the one who is always giving and giving or totally don't care but for me it kind of irritate me maybe I’m easily irritable but that’s just me. For me I feel that there should be a balance you should know when to back off and realize when enough is enough. I can’t really fault anyone for it maybe it's just the way are you are brought up or its your environment. If you are like this maybe you should ask yourself what is enough and try not to go overboard.

More often than not when people does things they only think about themselves they never think about the people around them or how people will react to them.

Maybe we all should start reflecting, maybe I'm guilty of being one of this people myself. I ought to becareful of the way i behave and think too. However at the end of the day I feel that if caring how others feel around me causes me to be unhappiness I think I should just get away from them and move on. If one really take me as a friend they will try to know and understand my character if they don’t even bother to understands me they are most likely friends not worth having anyway.

When is a game not a game ?

Ever since the beginning of this year, I have been playing a game called Kingdoms at War. It’s an IPhone text base game. Initially I played it because of my long time friend he’s a very good friend of mine since poly days. Anyway the initial phase of the game was very fun I think I got at least 5-6 real life friend who is playing it together with me. Together we grew stronger, got to know more people and eventually build a clan of our own.  The game at that time to me was about growing stronger looking at those leaderboard players with insane amount of gold made me always asked myself when will I ever be like them. Our start of our KaW was by no means easy, our first obstacle was foxes at that time we were one of the powerhouse clan. I wasn’t involve much in that war I must say but it’s still worth mentioning. I still can remember how my friend swipe 750(yes, at that time nobility was only 750 not 765 like now) one after another, growing at an exponential rate and fighting back the enemies. It was well quite inspirational for me.

However over time, people change, things change. Nothing is forever one by one my friends left KaW due to various reasons like studies, work, family or girlfriend. It was sad seeing them go one by one however it is inevitable. Nothing is permanent in this world. Some of the friendship between me and the people who left still continue whilst the rest were just left as memories.  Over time after my resets I managed to finally break into top 50. That’s when I realize that this game is more than just a game to me. It’s like a routine. My life is governed by the game. Every morning I wake up, check clan chat and shop allies. Throughout the day I would look at my handphone at least 30-40 times. Talk about addicted ? A game shouldn't be something so stressful and interferes in ones life. Especially during war times the amount of sleep I sacrifice and time I spend playing is like almost 24/7, 7 days a week. I don’t even have much time to do other activities in my life. KaW slowly melded into my life I became a fanatic. My aim is purely just to get stronger and stronger but after awhile interest in the leaderboard part of this game drop to 2^nd priority.

War and trading is actually the basis of this game without this 2 this game would be meaningless or would it ? Another aspect of KaW which I really enjoy is the social aspect this is like a MMORPG game you get to know REAL people from it and though KaW I must say that I got to a several individuals whom I take them as my good buddies . There are people in the game which I’m grateful to have known them though this game as if not for this game I would have never knew them. Ultimately I know deep down that no matter how much I enjoy the game at the moment it I know it will not  last me forever however I hope that though this game I can get something  meaningful after I quit. Which is true friends.  I wish that even after KaW our friendship will still remain strong. However that is still left to be seen.

Is trying hard good enough ?

Been thinking about this for quite awhile. Have you ever had a feeling sometimes that no matter how hard you try things just doesn't go your way or it doesn't achieve your desired results? I guess you felt this at some point or another. I'm constantly filled with this feeling that no matter what I do, how hard I try, things just doesn't go my way.
Let’s see. I feel in my opinion the person is more important than the actions. E.g If you buy a present for your parents let say just a cheap gift or something handmade. It could be well more meaningful then someone who is just their friend giving them something more valuable. Or maybe it’s like 2 guys like the same girl. Guy A tries very hard, does everything he can to make her happy and also creates time to be with her. However it doesn't mean that Guy B who just occasionally talks to her, hang out with her and does nothing out of his way wouldn't be able to achieve  better results than Guy A.

Of course I must say I'm guilty to such biases as well but well you wouldn't feel it if you are the one making the choice. Sometimes no matter how hard you try it's not possible to achieve ideal result because human mentality by default has certain range for various people. E.g. I like person A so Person A actions will have a multiplier effect and also a higher cap compared to Person B whom I just treat as a friend. (I’m not referring to anyone this is purely an example)

Ultimately I'll appreciate both actions however will respond differently. Sometimes a little appreciation or reciprocal actions makes one feels much better. Afterall all the things done are in good faith. Learn to show appreciation and don't take things for granted.

My plans , My life

Its been slightly over a year since i came out of National Service. Some thoughts of my time at Police (NS) I have learned alot of things during my time at Police. I have experienced many things most people couldn't ever experience in their life. Arresting shoplifters , Attempted Suicide cases , Insane person , Person with dangerous weapons and alot more. I also learned how to interact with different people and how to understand the mentality of people better. Even though i had fun during my time at Police I also had times of suffering. Most things in life comes together with something negative. Its the negative in life that makes the positive all the more sweeter to experience. Theres rarely a situation which this doesn't apply to.
Of all my cases people who attempted suicide interest me the most. It made me wonder whats the purpose of our lives, what are we suppose to do and what are we doing with it. Needless to say life is precious but have you not had the feeling of despair ? Ever felt that everything in life is going wrong ? Ever felt theres no meaning in life ? Well i have. But after thinking about it long and hard i came to a conclusion. You live for yourself. Only yourself , theres no such thing as you can't survive without anyone.
So what am I doing rotting my life away ? Since this year is coming to a close i decided on getting my act together next year. I will start my school and get my driving license. This is my top 2 short term goals atm. The rest can wait.